Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) Review by RevTerry


I can get down with a few James Bond movies, although people seem to get weird when I say my favorite one is Moonraker. Don't look at me like that, I'm a sucker for corny space battles. But if I'm in the mood for some misogyny laden espionage most of the time I reach right passed Agent 007 towards something a little less pompous and with a lot more swimwear. The films of Andy Sidaris  take a more casual route with the sexy-people-stopping-terrorists trope, and what it loses in world shaking consequence it makes up for ass kicking playmates. His "The Triple B Collection" takes place in a world (mostly Hawaii) where the women are stacked, carry fire arms and do their best thinking in a Jacuzzi. One of the most true examples of classic fan service, the films provide overkill action sequence as well as ample T and A, while somehow almost feeling wholesome when compared to other trash classics (or most my movie collection in general). For many of us too young to have had a playboy subscription in 80s the movies were our introduction to famous playmates such as Donna Speir or cult superstar Julie Strain and were fun enough to be watchable on a boring day even edited for television(life was tough in the 90s). Sidaris made the 12 films that make up the series along with his wife as producer after 25 years in sports television, where I guess he pioneered several techniques that are still used today (including the "Honey Shot"). I wouldn't know, my dad was the sports guy. I am more the boobs and explosions guy. The kind of stuff you find in movies like Hard Ticket to Hawaii.
In a loose continuity to the first film we lose the mustache laden Cody Abilene (), for his much less lovable brother Rowdy(). Cody is brushed off in the movie as having gone off to Hollywood to become a star. The poster for Malibu Express can be seen in the background possibly explaining the first films retconned lack of the, now center stage, organized “Agency” of hot chicks (among other inconsistencies). Making Malibu Express a movie in-universe and therefore a fictional version of the events that took place, although it is more than possible I could be over thinking this films dedication to canon. Lucky for us, the facial hairless brother is overshadowed by the lead protagonists Donna() and Taryn(), a duo of lethal bombshells from "The Agency". Obviously when The Agency isn't stopping terrorists, the agents need day jobs so the ladies seem to take up odd jobs showing around tourists and transporting rare animals. A routine day of flying around to some of the best/worst music ever is disrupted when the two accidentally stumble upon a drug lord's diamond transporting RC-copters at the same time as they let loose a cancer(???) infected snake (not all the way their fault). After a daring shirt change mid flight during a electrical storm the girls assemble a clothing optional team of "Agents" (read male and female models with a variety of weapons) to take on the drug kingpin Mr. Chang() and the super snake. Of course the whole endeavor involves some showering, some gun play and some dude getting fucked up by a Frisbee with fucking razor-blades attached to it.
With this movie  all but solidified the format for the next 10 films in the series. The Hugh Hefner funded semi remake Malibu Express gets the ball rolling on things but the retroactively formed "Agency" added by this film would become the figurative bikini that held the bulk of the movies canon together. The film is also the first in the series to primarily follow a female lead, as opposed to the bumbling hunky country boy from Malibu Express, a trend that would become the standard throughout the rest.
 is a master in the art of the cornball action flick. The film walks the dangerous line among cable tittie flicks without breaking a sweat. While there is obvious focus on bare chested sculpted male and female bodies, the film never loses its story's building blocks or it's entertaining pace. The filmmaker was a traditional storyteller even if he got slightly hung up on certain details. The plot itself, while basic and goofy, is just as coherent if not more so than a majority of modern theater flicks. It also helped that he seems to get the best out of the the professional-lookers that make up the cast, which he has done consistently with the other films in the series as well. The acting is a hefty step above softcore and with more aware and enjoyable dialog.
The Action is entertaining and plentiful but always cornball as fuck. There is never much in the way of true threat or peril for the films protagonists, in the world of  the good gals always win. There plenty of good clean topless nudity (Never removed bottoms, Andy keeps it classy). A few short shots of gore that are more fun than anything and as with all of the films in the "L.E.T.H.A.L Ladies" series virtually devoid of single words that could offend your grandma.
If you have seen a Sidaris flick you know what you are in for and you're either down with that or not. His films are light hearted cheese with extra bikini shots, rarely mean and strangely optimistic. I have never been to Hawaii. Not out of principle or choice I have just been broke my whole life, but it makes me feel good to know Dona Speir is out there keeping that island safe for hot tubbing. There is good in this world.
1h 45min | 1985
Director: Andy Sidaris
Writer: Andy Sidaris

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Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988) Review by RevTerry


People have weird heroes. I, being a well rounded person myself, count among my idols the director (slash producer, etc,etc.) Fred Olen Ray. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, at night I dream that he comes to me. In this very normal recurring fantasy I'm wasting away at work when the legend of trash cinema himself emerges only to whisk me away from my mundane IT job and teach me the almost Kung Fu like ways of his sudo-Coremen film style. He takes me to a mountain top where a training montage plays in which I learn how to make a movie in a few days with very little more to go on than a title, all while he makes 7 straight to video films including 3 about sharks and a kids movie at the same time. Afterwords we hang out with scream queens around a Jacuzzi Andy Sidaris style and Fred-o, which I call him because we are buds, films 2 more movies both with bikini in the title. Unfortunately when I awake the next day he never shows up to save me at my shit job. The man has stocked the bottom shelf of the new release rack over the span of several formats providing everything from cable booby flicks to family redbox shit about a road trip on Christmas with a dog in lead role and the douche pilot guy from Starship Troopers. He famously makes movies in record time and with very little . Sometimes these films, with no small help from some of my favorite cult celebrities, become straight up classics as is the case with Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988).
Jack (John Henry Richardson), our hero, is a wise cracking cliche-noir style detective, think a little more Mike Hammer and less Picard in those holodeck episodes. He has been charged with locating a runaway (Linnea Quigley) and tracks her to the local seedy underbelly, that recently has been plagued with prostitute related murders. Attempting to recover the girl the private dick uncovers a chainsaw wielding death cult of beautiful 80's ladies led by a madman (Gunnar Hansen). Some awesome naked chainsaw dancing goes down along with some limb removal. Pretty much what you thought the plot was going to be but with slapstick gusto.
The film has a cast of genre legends and despite lacking the third Nightmare Sister it feels perfectly matched in tone. Its goofy as shit, which is the case with most of Mr. Olen Ray's stuff, but between the golden casting and perfectly not funny gags, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is something special. It succeeds parody films with big budgets such as the Scary Movie franchise and places itself alongside films of a higher caliber like Naked Gun, or at least Spy Hard. The grindhouse Airplane!, complete with extra blood and tits.
John Henry Richardson a regular in the straight to video market gives hands-down his best channeling Leslie Nielsen and Stacy Keach at the same time.  Leatherface, himself, is a fun meta addition and looks like he is having fun as the stranger. We get great chainsaw equipped performances from Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer (listed as one of her many alias Michelle McLellan) including some surprisingly well meshed fan service.
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is an unrecognized gold standard for horror parody. At the very least one of the true classics of its type. I probably shouldn't go around telling people its one of my favorite films, but I probably shouldn't do a lot of shit, like type out movie rants, post them on the internet and call them reviews.
 1h 15min | 1988
 Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writers: Fred Olen Ray (screenplay) (as Dr. S. Carver), T.L. Lankford (screenplay) (as B.J. Nestles) 

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Sleazy Pete (2017) Review by RevTerry

I would be a shitty liar if I said I did not enjoy the wave of so called "grindhouse" tributes that has rolled around for the last ten years or so. Its been a great, steady flow of completely watchable and usually fun "throwbacks" from a range of budgets. Even though that's a pretty good deal for a motherfucker like me, it was only inevitable that the style would become contrived and like so many things before it, the subject of uneven parody and pandering.  Its just how it goes. Luckily, just as I was starting to wear thin in my enjoyment of artificial grain covered references, I was given an advanced viewing of a flick that went another route with its grimy VHS style. Instead of using effects to match the aesthetic or  appearance , Sleazy Pete opts to include the ridiculous energy and toothless soul of our fucked up favorite classics. Plus no fucking fake grainy shit the whole time.
The 11 minute "proof of concept" piece follows a corrupt man of the cloth as he makes his way through a slightly dystopic city, peddling his "gods flakes" and generally being a bastard.
What we get is a holy-roller Bad Lieutenant with Jason Takes Manhattan's lighting.  The trash oozes from its pores, it pulls from the defiantly lost moral grounds of a late 80s-early 90s straight to VHS era. Sleazy Pete (Jay Ferst) is the kind of asshole only that string of gritty action films made time for and it works great.  Not much in the way of story or resolution but I assume that this is just one chapter of the title characters exploits. The short is based on the faux trailer Shepherd of Death, which was produced by Glock Buster Films as well. There is no public release date but the short is currently showing at festivals.
11Mins | 2017
 Director: Frank Appache
Writer: Frank Appache 

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