Julia X (2011) Quick Review by RevTerry

What the fuck happened Kevin Sorbo? You were fucking Hercules man. There is no reason you couldn't have fully embraced the trash, been cool and lived out the rest of your career making awesomely shitty horror movies or something. But instead you turned in to a complete prick in the worst fucking way. Even going so far as to dis the timeless and almighty Lucy Lawless and committing the most foul of all acts: making shitty Christian films. What the fuck man? Hercules no. Is it my fault? Although I watched the show until its meta-induced death, it was eternally second to its more daring spin off Xena. Was the neglect of Hercules by myself as well as other like minded young nerds to blame? Is the Son of Zeus's fall from grace at least in part due to a unhealthy jealousy aimed at the obviously superior Warrior Princess for stealing the hearts of the children? Sorry, I could talk about how awesome Lucy Lawless is and how Kevin Sorbo being a douche breaks my heart all day. Luckily for me by either being strapped for cash or possibly on the promise of a script involving him hitting a woman Sorbet has done at least a few ok flicks post his mythical adventures. Just maybe giving us a glimpse in to a more privileged alternative universe where Hercules didn't transform into a huge asshole. In 2011, I assume between buying bibles and his Xena hate mantras, he blessed us with Julie X.
In what I understand to be a normal internet date, Julia (Valerie Azlynn) is kidnapped by a stranger (Sorbo) after having a premonition of them having rough sex in a really clean bathroom. She is then loaded up in a van and taken home for some torture, babble and soon to be forgotten plot points. After throwing herself through a window like a Fast and Furious character she meets up with her sister to exact revenge. More torture happens, more windows break and then some more plot threads get loose in a blood soaked back and forth.
I cant speak to the intent or message of the film. Whatever message it confusingly tries to portray gets lost in the low budget fun. I have a feeling the film would have lost considerable value had the directors successfully injected their petty gripes with the world. The most successful twist the film pulls (and there are a few it tries) is the lack of logical or even like-able characters among the main cast. It sounds bad but it works for me in this case. Instead of a setting up the female revenge flick I assumed I was watching, the movie devolves in to a war between psychopathic titans. The two parties dole out punishment in bulk that would easily kill any human here in the real world, with silly one liners peppered between blows. I cant help but be reminded of the mainstream cocktease Mr. & Ms. Smith, but more trashy and with less reliance of cute Brad Pitt faces (so, improved). Whatever sexual frustration helped create this film I don't know, but thank it for me I guess because I'm not mad at the final product.
Camera work and lighting are bad to passing, but do not really take away from the entertainment. No nudity but some fair violence if not a little cartoonish as it progresses. There are a lot of dead ends and unwarranted "twists" I cant decide if the film had sub plots cut in editing or if that is the duo of filmmakers way of padding the story.  The film rolls over its speed bumps well enough as you begin to realize nothing is going to make sense, at all.
Despite having the now corrupted half-god in a lead role and a confused, half ass plot it's a lot of fun to sit through. It feels almost like the shitty sequel to a better movie that never existed. Most of all its a cheesy mess of violence and I'm down with that. 
Go figure, Kevin Sorbo plays a good sexual predator.
| 2011
Director: P.J. Pettiette
Writers: Matt Cunningham, P.J. Pettiette (story) 


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Naked Zombie Girl (2014) Quick Review by RevTerry

Good oozing gore effects, some nice atmosphere at times and well done classic zombies.
So yea, its another zombie flick, but this one has Naked in the name and actually shows up with a lot more love then the recent living-dead tributes.
The product of a semi-successful IndieGoGo Campaign the short follows Barbara as she looses her friends, dress and classic car to hordes of the undead . Armed with a chainsaw and wearing nothing but blood she is forced to fight her way to safety against the zombie threat. 
A sleazy dark flick with a fitting 80s synth soundtrack. You can watch it on Youtube(below), or pick up a hard copy along with 2 other short films.
28min | 2014
Director: Rickey Bird Jr.
Writers: Rickey Bird Jr.


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Lady Avenger (1988) Review by RevTerry

I fear the new generations will never be allowed the exotic thrill of being let loose at the video rental store as children. In the years before you could find nudity by simply typing "boobs" in to Tumblr, the lanes of plastic encased VHS covers that lined the local store were one of the few afforded exposures to the sleaze the world had to offer. Even without a risky dart into the curtains of the "adult only" area a child could find a buffet of intriguing box art. The two plus trips my family made a week were never to be missed and I frequented the dwindling remains all the way till the last blockbuster (I have encountered) shut its doors on the shelved box, filled with the same mostly family safe DVD-sleeves, it called a video rental store. One of many favorites pieces of art in the Action section as a kid featured a blond model, bandanna tied to her head, wearing a wife-beater standing against a fence. She was armed with a shotgun ,had a hand gun at her waist, and also sported some perfectly defined nipples through her rugged shirt rag. The whole image resembled a bargain basement Sarah Connor at the time and my imagination concocted a plot which pretty much boiled down to oversexualized versions of the desert scenes from T2: Judgement Day. I wouldn't actually see the film itself  till much later, when I would find it buried among other Shot-On-Tape classics on a lucky treasure hunt and while its titular character is definitely not Sarah Connor level, I think the little kid version of me would approve of the twisty trash ballad that is  Lady Avenger(1988).
David DeCotea comes in many flavors but they are all very him distinctly. Getting his start with both Roger Corman and Charles Band, Decotea makes everything from family Christmas movies staring  Vivica A. Fox to a wide range of soft core porn for every preference. He has his fair share of trash classics, almost too many to list, including collection staple, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988) and  some more of my all time favorites (Nightmare SistersDr. Alien). The movie is one of few he made too late for the revenge thriller trend of the 80's and most likely originally took inspiration from Savage Streets (1984). It stars Peggy McIntaggart as the "Lady Avenger" and fan favorite Michelle Bauer who is credited as Michelle McClellan, one of her many aliases.
After an opening depiction of a brutal assault of two young people on the the neighborhood rape mattress, we are introduced to Maggie who currently resides in a women's correctional facility of some sort. She is given leave to go to her brothers funeral, one of the victims of the opening sequence and returns home to her mom, step dad, and best friend Annalee (Michelle Bauer) who always seems to be having sex when people call her on the phone. Her brother's attack is written off due to a history as a junkie and a treacherous plot becomes apparent, so she dons a bandanna to go all First Blood on some motherfuckers. There is a bunch of turns in the plot that I won't spoil and run of killings including a dude getting toasted with a flamethrower.
The movie blends so many influences from earlier flicks it becomes a unique mess of its own. While I love the "Revenge" sub-genre and all of its tropes its a nice change of pace to have the female vigilante less "I refuse to be a victim." and more "You fucked with my brother, now you got to die!" which almost seems to be the happy byproduct of the unsuccessful lifting of Savage Streets character motivation. Peggy McIntaggart as a badass is more Bruce Campbel than Charles Bronson which matches the comparatively lighthearted direction for the genre. Michelle Bauer (aka Michelle McClellan aka Pia Snow...etc) is always great, and while most of us would be happy with the excessive nudity alone her acting style always provides several benefits beyond skin for films like this. The dialog and execution is a lot of fun at times and is best when it's at its cheesiest . Plenty of killing with various instruments and most with a one liner attached.
The movie never really hits the brutality notes that the films it takes from came to rely on but is a fun enough watch as its own thing. It moves quickly from trope to trope, almost a tribute to releases from the slightly earlier, popular "revenge" wave. Some good gore with each kill, a high body count and a a lot of  Bauer holding a old school phone topless. A wonderfully mis-shot entry in to one of my favorite types of trash, I was never bored, but I enjoy a good 6 hour game of Risk from time to time.
1h 22min | 1988
 Director: David DeCoteau
Writers: Keith Kaczorek, Will Schmitz 


News and Shit 8/8/17


Hot Tub Party Massacre (2017) Review by RevTerry

Summer always gets me in the mood for certain things, a Slurpee®, if I can find a 7-11(none of that knock-off "slush puppy" shit), 90s punk rock/rap and corny ass "Massacre" films. I don't really know why, but there is something about a group of young people held up in the sorority house(or the Ol' Hockstatter Place, lingerie factory, etc) being terrorized by a creative, but sometimes confused killer that just goes well with the sunshine and soggy pants of the warmer season. It’s a sub-genre whose roots are soaked in self-parody and "pre"meta-humor. From its true classics like Sorority House Massacre to borderline slapstick rush-jobs such as Hard to Die, the "Massacre" style movie captures the lighthearted spirit of summer, along with providing ridiculous gore and excessive nudity. Lucky for me and just in time for the sweat to start pooling in my car seat, Chris Greenaway has slipped an entry into the cheese filled slasher category.
Hot Tub Party Massacre is a full-length feature from Chad Media, the folks behind Hooker with a Rocket Launcher (2015) and will be available soon from SRS Releases. In it we are introduced to the sisters of  Delta Omega, a sorority at a school that suspiciously looks like a community college, as they prepare for a weekend away at a resort most likely full of pillow fights and nude lounging. We are told by the local news that a killer is on the loose and some of the alumni start getting killed off around the school, one with an important message about phone safety. After the girls have arrived at the resort, unpacked and removed layers of clothes, their male counterparts drop in unannounced in what’s played off as college shenanigans (movie universe higher learning is a great but bizarre place). A few of them pair off for sexy-time before everyone starts getting fucked up by a dude with a mini-rake.
Writer-Director, Chris Greenaway is obviously a fan of the genre or at least pretty well versed in it. The film serves as a love letter, making sure to hit certain points along the way to justify its "Massacre" title. Victims make stupid decisions and match the logic of the film's influences. Hot Tub Party Massacre wears the low budget proudly, like a fresh pair of Payless kicks in 98, and is better for it. The kills are silly with great setups, the characters involved in some form of self-indulgence before being X'd out in the classic form. There is plenty of showering and a few of the very traditional post-coitus slayings(everyone's favorite horror trope) which is always fun. Look(hear?) for a cameo from horror legend Brinke Stevens.
Plenty to like for fans of the genre or low budget cheese. There is a grip of nudity but a little light on gore. A fun trashy flick that would go well between Sorority House Massacre 2 and Slumber Party Massacre 3. Chad Media was nice enough to supply an advanced screening but the movie is coming soon to VOD, Blu Ray and VHS in limited supply (as of 08/03/17). Pre-Order/Purchase at SRS Releases.
1h 12min | Horror | 2017
Director: Chris Greenaway
Writer: Chris Greenaway


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